[Thusia and Sabra] Zel's Mental Health
May. 1st, 2012 01:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nolongerslateI just had a realization about Zel, which was that this is the first time in a long period that he's not felt broken -- still a little cracked and scarred and grieving, but not broken.
So, basically in canon, Zel starts out adoring his great-grandfather, Rezo. I mean, to the point where he describes his 'steal from bandits to help the poor' as doing the dirty work so that Rezo's saint's hands can be clean. Being turned into a chimera by Rezo don't break Zel; finding out that Rezo did it because he saw Zel as a willing test subject and not as a beloved grandson did. Having his only friends at the time get killed by Shabranigdo didn't help -- at this point, he barely knew Lina, and Gourry was just 'Lina's bodyguard'. So, Zel was alone, where everyone he cared about was dead or betrayed him (and also dead). Hence, the search to de-chimera-ize himself -- in addition to no longer scaring villagers, it was a way to reset the clock. When Rezo's soul inna jar told Zel that such a thing probably didn't exist, and was probably impossible, it pretty much re-opened a wound. No, Zel, you can't turn back the clock to heal yourself; you have to accept the scars and heal the best you can.
In a weird way, Sabra did for Zel what he thought having his cure would do. BD, sans memories, had no reason to be upset about being blue and rocky, and being in a harsh environment meant that most people appreciated it when someone was a bit more resistant to injury. When Surgeon did turn Zel into a human temporarily, the other Vulpecula (and Hydra?) chided him for trying to tank without his golem skin. Zel still felt useful as a Hydracula, since he was their magical powerhouse on a team full mostly of normal humans, AT punks and Excel (plus, later, Yuffie, who has a Final Fantasy character's constitution). But being their tank and protector helped shift his energy a lot towards the positive, so, even with all the negative memories, his outlook was shifted. Plus, Surgeon helped add to Zel's control issues: he wants to control what he looks like and what his abilities are.
On the other hand, not taking advantage of the wish felt like his time in Sabra wasn't worth it. I think Ed suggested he split it, which Zel is pretty happy about, and post-Sabra made him even more comfortable in his skin -- he has control over what he looks like and can do things like blend in or not, or trade stone skin for the ability to swim.
Now, Sabra did pile on the betrayal issues -- Rezo in actuality, and how Zel felt Jace and Canis acted about Cielo. But because Zel always had his team, he could learn how to weather betrayal. He knew -- and still knows -- that Vulpecula and Hydra will always have his back. It was something he'd started to learn in canon, regarding Lina, Gourry and Amelia, but Sabra accelerated this growth.
And being away from Sabra helped, too, because Sabra, ultimately, was a very artificial environment. You had to trust your team, or you'd die (more). Returning to his world let Zel unlearn (some of) the bad instincts from Sabra and heal some more, without shedding the feeling of 'I have people who care about me, and I about them'.
Thusia is invoking a bit of grief, because he's left some of his friends behind, probably for good. He has a lot of his Sabra friends and teammates -- Dera, the sharks, Zexion, Excel, Jinx and Trixie. But he's lost the people from his own world again, probably for good. And so he's grieving them, even while trying to take care of people who came straight from Sabra and are (hopefully) going through the same post-Sabra learning to cope process.
So, basically in canon, Zel starts out adoring his great-grandfather, Rezo. I mean, to the point where he describes his 'steal from bandits to help the poor' as doing the dirty work so that Rezo's saint's hands can be clean. Being turned into a chimera by Rezo don't break Zel; finding out that Rezo did it because he saw Zel as a willing test subject and not as a beloved grandson did. Having his only friends at the time get killed by Shabranigdo didn't help -- at this point, he barely knew Lina, and Gourry was just 'Lina's bodyguard'. So, Zel was alone, where everyone he cared about was dead or betrayed him (and also dead). Hence, the search to de-chimera-ize himself -- in addition to no longer scaring villagers, it was a way to reset the clock. When Rezo's soul inna jar told Zel that such a thing probably didn't exist, and was probably impossible, it pretty much re-opened a wound. No, Zel, you can't turn back the clock to heal yourself; you have to accept the scars and heal the best you can.
In a weird way, Sabra did for Zel what he thought having his cure would do. BD, sans memories, had no reason to be upset about being blue and rocky, and being in a harsh environment meant that most people appreciated it when someone was a bit more resistant to injury. When Surgeon did turn Zel into a human temporarily, the other Vulpecula (and Hydra?) chided him for trying to tank without his golem skin. Zel still felt useful as a Hydracula, since he was their magical powerhouse on a team full mostly of normal humans, AT punks and Excel (plus, later, Yuffie, who has a Final Fantasy character's constitution). But being their tank and protector helped shift his energy a lot towards the positive, so, even with all the negative memories, his outlook was shifted. Plus, Surgeon helped add to Zel's control issues: he wants to control what he looks like and what his abilities are.
On the other hand, not taking advantage of the wish felt like his time in Sabra wasn't worth it. I think Ed suggested he split it, which Zel is pretty happy about, and post-Sabra made him even more comfortable in his skin -- he has control over what he looks like and can do things like blend in or not, or trade stone skin for the ability to swim.
Now, Sabra did pile on the betrayal issues -- Rezo in actuality, and how Zel felt Jace and Canis acted about Cielo. But because Zel always had his team, he could learn how to weather betrayal. He knew -- and still knows -- that Vulpecula and Hydra will always have his back. It was something he'd started to learn in canon, regarding Lina, Gourry and Amelia, but Sabra accelerated this growth.
And being away from Sabra helped, too, because Sabra, ultimately, was a very artificial environment. You had to trust your team, or you'd die (more). Returning to his world let Zel unlearn (some of) the bad instincts from Sabra and heal some more, without shedding the feeling of 'I have people who care about me, and I about them'.
Thusia is invoking a bit of grief, because he's left some of his friends behind, probably for good. He has a lot of his Sabra friends and teammates -- Dera, the sharks, Zexion, Excel, Jinx and Trixie. But he's lost the people from his own world again, probably for good. And so he's grieving them, even while trying to take care of people who came straight from Sabra and are (hopefully) going through the same post-Sabra learning to cope process.
